10 Important Lessons I have learned from and since the breakup

The past several months have been emotionally tumultuous for me.  After almost 3 years living with Ex, he asked me to move out when I confronted him with my suspicions of his extracurricular activities.  I was in shock!  There were no conversations about trying to work things out.   There was nothing!  He didn’t want to talk about it and kept saying that he needed to be alone to concentrate on his businesses.

I was devastated and wondering what had just happened!  For months I searched for answers, for reasons.  I never got one.   As the months passes life is getting better.  My heart still has moments of hurt.  My mind still has moments of questions.  My soul still has moments of emptiness.  But all of those moments are few and far between, and I am sure they will soon be inexistent.  For the most part, I am thriving!  I have been working on myself, doing things I love, spending time with friends and making new ones.

I don’t regret anything about the relationship with Ex.  I am even proud of my pain and my tears.  They help me validate the love that I had.   They show the strength of the feelings I had.  I was in that relationship 100% and loved with all my heart.  I experienced love and for that I am forever grateful!

I realize that I have been blessed with this pain, this hardship.  Challenges build character.  At times likes these I get to show what I am really made of.  I get to grow!  I get to shine!

I have learned a lot, about myself and life.  I am still learning!  I want to make sure that the lessons that I now learn stay with me.  I often say to my friends that Life is a very patient teacher.  She will teach the same lesson as many times as necessary.  I don’t like to repeat lessons!

I think that one of the best ways for me to keep reminding myself of those lessons is to write it down and refer to it often.  So here are the top 10 most important lessons I have learned as a resulted of this breakup.  Thank you Ex!

I have learned to:

1. Pay attention to red flags!  While I think that there were no red flags in my relationship with Ex, looking back I see that there were yellow warning signs that I should have stopped and looked closely into it.
2. Never try to change somebody’s mind!  If they don’t want you, don’t stay with them 1 minute longer.  Don’t chase anyone ever!  Trying to change somebody’s mind turns you into a beggar and a person with no self respect.   No one can control or change anyone! We can only control and change ourselves (hopefully!). The sooner you accept facts the better.
3.  Give myself permission to cry! It is okay to feel miserable and cry.  It is part of the grieving process and that process cannot be avoided.  If I skip any of the stages I will have to go back to it eventually.  There is no timeline/deadline for the tears to stop flowing.   To me the key was to allow myself to cry, but not to allow myself to stay in that place for too long.  I allow myself to cry for 5/10 minutes and then I tell myself to snap out of it.  I will actually set a timer to make sure that I do not go over my allotted time.
4. Never allow myself to feel like a victim.  Wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.  Don’t confuse sad and crying with pitiful victim.  I am strong and capable. Ok, so things didn’t go my way, but remember that things happen for a reason, and always for the better! If something gets taken from you or if someone decides to leave or move away from you, just let it go! They have their reasons.
5. See the situation as an opportunity, not a tragedy.  An opportunity for growth and self assessment.  I was given a gift.  Letting me go was the best thing he did.  I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me if they didn’t love me anymore.  I am free now to find someone that will love me the way that I need and deserve to be loved.  Until then I am free to work on myself 100% of my time.
6. Always choose forgiveness, not hatred.  Hate is never helpful.   Forgiveness is the key to a full recovery.  When you forgive you are freeing yourself!  That doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with the person.  It pains me that I can’t be friends with Ex, but until he acknowledge his wrongdoing there is no way I can respect him and be friends with him.  That fact hurts!  At every chance choose gratitude and blessings.
7. I can’t choose who stays in my heart, but I can choose who stays in my life.  I cannot just turn a button and stop loving someone, but I can choose not to have him in my life.  At this point, as I said on Number 6, I cannot be friends with Ex.  I need to respect myself first and not accept the way he treated me.  Being friends is saying to him that all he did was ok.  It was not and it will never be.  He is in my heart not as a love interest now, but as somebody I once loved.  I will always care for him.
8. Stop looking for answers.  Sometimes you will never have the answer you seek.  Sometimes there is not a reason. Stop looking for an answer to have closure.  Don’t judge or question somebody’s motive, or lack of motive.  Only they know the reason why they behaved in the way they did.  Having an answer does not change the facts!
9. Not to be afraid to try again.  No one has won anything worth winning without failing at least a few times.   So I will continue trying to find my soul mate!  I can’t let fear hold me back.  Even thought I should not rush into another relationship, I can’t be afraid of trying again.  So I will love again with all my heart!   I do have somebody else in my heart right now and that brightens my life!  He is a great friend, a kindred spirit!   If we never become anything more than friends I am still grateful and feel incredibly blessed to call him my friend!
10. Be careful of wanting something so bad.  Sometimes we want something so bad that we take reality and bend it and shape it and try to turn it into a fairy tale.  Sometimes we want something so bad that we rush into things and don’t let nature take its course.  Slow down, breath, let things flow, don’t push it, and don’t force it!

I am hoping that these lessons will stay with me.  But if for some reason I find myself having to be reminded of them again I will not beat myself up.  I will just try harder next time.