10 Important Lessons I have learned from and since the breakup

The past several months have been emotionally tumultuous for me.  After almost 3 years living with Ex, he asked me to move out when I confronted him with my suspicions of his extracurricular activities.  I was in shock!  There were no conversations about trying to work things out.   There was nothing!  He didn’t want to talk about it and kept saying that he needed to be alone to concentrate on his businesses.

I was devastated and wondering what had just happened!  For months I searched for answers, for reasons.  I never got one.   As the months passes life is getting better.  My heart still has moments of hurt.  My mind still has moments of questions.  My soul still has moments of emptiness.  But all of those moments are few and far between, and I am sure they will soon be inexistent.  For the most part, I am thriving!  I have been working on myself, doing things I love, spending time with friends and making new ones.

I don’t regret anything about the relationship with Ex.  I am even proud of my pain and my tears.  They help me validate the love that I had.   They show the strength of the feelings I had.  I was in that relationship 100% and loved with all my heart.  I experienced love and for that I am forever grateful!

I realize that I have been blessed with this pain, this hardship.  Challenges build character.  At times likes these I get to show what I am really made of.  I get to grow!  I get to shine!

I have learned a lot, about myself and life.  I am still learning!  I want to make sure that the lessons that I now learn stay with me.  I often say to my friends that Life is a very patient teacher.  She will teach the same lesson as many times as necessary.  I don’t like to repeat lessons!

I think that one of the best ways for me to keep reminding myself of those lessons is to write it down and refer to it often.  So here are the top 10 most important lessons I have learned as a resulted of this breakup.  Thank you Ex!

I have learned to:

  1. Pay attention to red flags!  While I think that there were no red flags in my relationship with Ex, looking back I see that there were yellow warning signs that I should have stopped and looked closely into it.
  2. Never try to change somebody’s mind!  If they don’t want you, don’t stay with them 1 minute longer.  Don’t chase anyone ever!  Trying to change somebody’s mind turns you into a beggar and a person with no self respect.   No one can control or change anyone! We can only control and change ourselves (hopefully!). The sooner you accept facts the better.
  3.  Give myself permission to cry! It is okay to feel miserable and cry.  It is part of the grieving process and that process cannot be avoided.  If I skip any of the stages I will have to go back to it eventually.  There is no timeline/deadline for the tears to stop flowing.   To me the key was to allow myself to cry, but not to allow myself to stay in that place for too long.  I allow myself to cry for 5/10 minutes and then I tell myself to snap out of it.  I will actually set a timer to make sure that I do not go over my allotted time.
  4. Never allow myself to feel like a victim.  Wallowing in self pity is not the way to go.  Don’t confuse sad and crying with pitiful victim.  I am strong and capable. Ok, so things didn’t go my way, but remember that things happen for a reason, and always for the better! If something gets taken from you or if someone decides to leave or move away from you, just let it go! They have their reasons.
  5. See the situation as an opportunity, not a tragedy.  An opportunity for growth and self assessment.  I was given a gift.  Letting me go was the best thing he did.  I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me if they didn’t love me anymore.  I am free now to find someone that will love me the way that I need and deserve to be loved.  Until then I am free to work on myself 100% of my time.
  6. Always choose forgiveness, not hatred.  Hate is never helpful.   Forgiveness is the key to a full recovery.  When you forgive you are freeing yourself!  That doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with the person.  It pains me that I can’t be friends with Ex, but until he acknowledge his wrongdoing there is no way I can respect him and be friends with him.  That fact hurts!  At every chance choose gratitude and blessings.
  7. I can’t choose who stays in my heart, but I can choose who stays in my life.  I cannot just turn a button and stop loving someone, but I can choose not to have him in my life.  At this point, as I said on Number 6, I cannot be friends with Ex.  I need to respect myself first and not accept the way he treated me.  Being friends is saying to him that all he did was ok.  It was not and it will never be.  He is in my heart not as a love interest now, but as somebody I once loved.  I will always care for him.
  8. Stop looking for answers.  Sometimes you will never have the answer you seek.  Sometimes there is not a reason. Stop looking for an answer to have closure.  Don’t judge or question somebody’s motive, or lack of motive.  Only they know the reason why they behaved in the way they did.  Having an answer does not change the facts!
  9. Not to be afraid to try again.  No one has won anything worth winning without failing at least a few times.   So I will continue trying to find my soul mate!  I can’t let fear hold me back.  Even thought I should not rush into another relationship, I can’t be afraid of trying again.  So I will love again with all my heart!   I do have somebody else in my heart right now and that brightens my life!  He is a great friend, a kindred spirit!   If we never become anything more than friends I am still grateful and feel incredibly blessed to call him my friend!
  10. Be careful of wanting something so bad.  Sometimes we want something so bad that we take reality and bend it and shape it and try to turn it into a fairy tale.  Sometimes we want something so bad that we rush into things and don’t let nature take its course.  Slow down, breath, let things flow, don’t push it, and don’t force it!

I am hoping that these lessons will stay with me.  But if for some reason I find myself having to be reminded of them again I will not beat myself up.  I will just try harder next time.

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About A Star on the Forehead

I am a single 46 year woman, eager to live a full life. Trying to rebuild life after a breakup with someone that I thought was "The One". Will take classes and chances, will take tumbles and get up, and register it all here for good or bad, but always for a good laugh or cry!! I want to write to inspire but more than that I want to write to be inspired!!
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75 Responses to 10 Important Lessons I have learned from and since the breakup

  1. Reblogged this on Blessed with a Star on the Forehead and commented:

    My other blog was feeling a bit neglected, so here is a new post! 🙂

  2. s1ngal says:

    I must say I’ve pretty much learned/ understood the 10 points but for No. 7.
    Well put.. I’ll verbally plagiarize it (when needed as my friends are always in need of this ONE point) but not without mentioning your blog first 😉

    • Thank you so much! so glad that you agree with me that those lessons are important! no need to mention my blog as those lessons I am sure have been already written by different people at different times, but if you do a big thank you to you!. I just happen to learn them now and hope that perhaps someone reading can benefit! I also hope they stay with me! Blessings! 🙂

  3. this was an amazing post – you made so many good points — I am sorry you had to learn some of it through difficulties, but I am sure some of your lessons are going to help others

  4. Wise and insightful. Here’s to both of us not ever having to learn these things again. Cheers!

  5. koni says:

    Great post! I gasped when I read it cause I share many of the same learning lessons in my past relationship….Paying attention to the red flags is huge, along with not being a victim!!!! I also think I did some pretending in the relationship….pretending everything was ok when it really wasn’t….that is kinda related to 1) paying attention to the red flags… Not having to have all the answers is also huge! I think if I really had all the answers, I mean 100% of them, it would probably knock my socks off in a very bad way….. I don’t need to know… knowing that I wasn’t happy and getting what I wanted is enough…knowing that he was dishonest is enough… I also have an ex, who won’t admit his wrong doing…. I can’t be friends with him either. Why would I want to be friends with someone who doesn’t care about my feelings???? Or at least acknowledge them.. Nahhhh, that isn’t a friend in my book… So I am working on forgiveness…. my wounds are still very fresh, but I want to release myself and move on so I know that I will have to do this. I don’t hate him, but I feel like he “did me wrong”….

    Anyways, sorry this post is soooooo long but it triggered a lot of thoughts on my behalf. Thank you for writing it!

    • wow great comment! “pretending everything is ok when it is not” is a big lesson that we all should learn. Even though I am a dreamer that believes in fairy tales, at some point I have to face reality, so that is something I need to pay attention to!
      Unfortunately we differ in the point that, even though my Ex has done what he has done, I still care about his feelings and wish I could be his friend! I know it is dumb, but feelings are feelings, but that doesn’t mean I have to act on those feelings. I am now wiser and able to see that feelings are not me, they don’t control me, so I am making the choice of not being his friend and that feels powerful, and it honors me! Please try to forgive him and others that do you harm – it is good for you!! Thank you taking the time to share your words! Many blessings to you! 🙂

      • koni says:

        I appreciate your comments. You are right you have to be true to yourself and do what is right for you…..I am going to work on forgiveness so that I can fully release the pain, anger, and hurt from my life and truly experience healing…

        Thank you and Happy Sunday

      • You are welcome! Forgiveness is the best thing you can do for yourself! Many blessings to you! 🙂

  6. You made some great progress with these lessons we all have to go through. Some learn them sooner, others later, that’s the way it is. Stop focussing, just keep your eyes open and go with the flow.
    I finally get your emails, so I don’t miss things anymore 🙂

    • Hi. You made a great point! I have to start letting nature take its course and not try to control things so much! It is not easy for this control freak here, but I am trying! I am glad that you are getting my e-mail notifications! Many blessings! 🙂

  7. Great post. Great lessons. I particularly like the part where you say “life is a patient teacher. She will teach the same lessons as many times as necessary.” This is so true. When it comes to matters of the heart, it takes me a few times to learn some of these lessons. I have learned mostly to forgive myself. We’re a flawed species and sometimes we falter.

    I also think it is so important to be able to let people go when it is time. We do get caught up in the fairy tale but you can’t make someone want or love you. You have to love yourself enough to let them go. Again, great post. Thanks for your words!

    • Thank you for your great comment! I think you have hit on the 2 most important points: 1) Be able to forgive myself and 2) Let people go. The first one I think I got it covered. But the second one is tricky for me,and it will probably take me awhile to learn. But all I can do is keeping trying my best! Thank you and wishing you a day full of blessings! 🙂

  8. Everything on your list is important. I have also been learning those things through my journey. It is oddly therapeutic and enpowering to see them all in list format like that. Thanks!

    • Good luck with your journey!! I am glad you like my lessons and list! I agree it feels empowering at the end of the day to recognize that some of the items on the list no longer will be issues for me! A day full of blessings to you! 🙂

  9. P. C. Zick says:

    Proud of you. I’d also give a nod to gratitude for taking your slam dunk and using it to make a positive movement forward in your growth. You are stupendous!

    • Stupendous? I read that and got up and looked in the mirror and it agreed with you! Indeed I am! lol
      Thank you so much for the very gracious comment! It made my day!
      I have been blessed with being able to see beauty and blessings in life even at my lowest point, and I would love if I can just help other people see that!
      Perhaps some more upbeat posts would help! lol
      A wonderfully blessed weekend to you!! 🙂

  10. I love your attitude towards life! We all make mistakes and have some sad/bad experiences. It’s what we make of these experiences that determines who we really are. Every experience is a learning one and you have captured what you learned very well.

    I wish you much happiness.

    Nancy

  11. They are lessons we all need to learn. Onward to a new better future for you!

  12. WildChild says:

    Um lady. I wish we could exchange stories. When you are so deep in “love” you don’t see the red flags. Everything is blurry, it’s not you’re fault. you are right for not regretting it, it was a lesson, with some good, most lies. A lesson nonetheless and you will grow. My problem now is being able to trust again. 😦

  13. Worth Commenting says:

    very powerful message and i love true stories…you should read mine. i wrote it in books. thanks for sharing, i am here to talk

  14. rachel bar says:

    Love your ten lessons. I focused on your # 2 in my bloghttp://onepersonsingular.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/hes-just-not-that-into-you/,
    and if I had a dime for every time someone wanted an answer (re: your # 8), I would be a multi millionaire…
    I truly believe that in number 8 you captured the erroneous belief that if we know, we would feel better (will not!), and that even if we get an answer it may not be the truth.

    • Hi Rachel
      I will definitely go over and check your blog out!
      And totally, we keep looking for answer as if that will magically make sense and makes us feel better. It will note, and you are so right, I don’t think I would ever get the truth from him! I don’t even think he knows what the truth is!
      Thank you so much for your great comment!
      Ana

  15. Thanks for the follow. I saw this great saying recently “when someone first reveals their true self, believe it”. I was reminded of it when you mentioned red flags.We all tend to see what we want, don’t we? Thanks for the follow. Am now following both of yours :). And nice to meet you.

    • Indeed, it often boils down to our perceptions of some thing. I do have a tendency to paint a rosier picture of things in my mind.
      Nice meeting you and you have a great blog that I plan to visit often! Many blessings! 🙂

  16. ShimonZ says:

    Hi there, Star. I think the things that you have learned from your beak-up are valuable. Such an experience is hard to go through, but as difficult as it is, it can become a preparation for a better chapter in life. My best wishes to you for happiness and continued growth.

    • Thank you so much! I agree with you, I have learned a lot and realize I have a lot more to learn and those lessons will help make my future amazing! Thank you for your words and best wishes! Many blessings! 🙂

  17. mindsurfer1 says:

    Trying to keep someone in your life who does not wish to be is the same as trying to grasp water.

  18. ladywise says:

    I’m so sorry you got hurt in love. I know how it feels because I’ve been hurt myself. Life lessons are always difficult and especially life lessons that specifically have to do with love. You are doing the best thing that you can do by just learning from it and moving on. You can’t change what you can’t control and you can’t control other people.

    I’ve been called a control freak many times in my life and I tell people, I’m not trying to control the people around me, I’m just always going to be in control of what goes on around me that will affect me. It’s nothing more than a protection device and you should be in control in that respect.

    • Thank you for your kind words and feelings towards me. This has indeed been a bad patch in my life, but because of it will be the one that I can learn from the most!
      I too have been labeled a control freak and I realize the more I try to control something the more it escapes from me.
      Thank you again and many blessings to you! 🙂

  19. I especially like #7 and #9. I feel like those are the ones that people struggle with…in action and even just putting into words. With a clear heart and well organized head, something is bound to come forward for you. I love your optimism and intensity. Those are two things this world needs more of in tandem.

  20. mindofshoo says:

    Wow..this is deep, raw and so honest. I loved reading it and I feel your pain and strength. Thanks for sharing something so personal with everyone. You are brave.

  21. WhoIsMyGuru says:

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I am glad that you have moved on since your breakup. I think closure is the thing we most often seek but sometimes can’t get. You seem to have accepted that, and sometimes, that is something we have to live with, and be ok with. All the best!

  22. Dee Gee says:

    7years ago I was once brokenhearted but not as optimistic as you did after all had happened and I really admire you for that. As they say ‘Everything happens for a reason’ and I know God prepares you for something absolutely wonderful. God bless your 2013 and onward journey!

    • Thank you so much for the kind words and wishes! 🙂 I have to be positive, to be otherwise is not an option! I do know that God has a plan and I am looking forward to 2013! Many blessings to you in this new year! 🙂

  23. Diana says:

    I love what you wrote, especially this: “I am even proud of my pain and my tears. They help me validate the love that I had.” Every day we heal, we grow strong, wiser and a little bit kinder. Know that you are not alone on this journey 🙂

  24. Lovebird says:

    Speechless with full of tears in my eyes and one thing is crossing my MInd right now ” True love hurts and never love anyone more than you ……I have no words to express how i am feeling now very thankful and releived, earlier i was struggling to get back to normalcy but after reading this i got some energy to move on and grow ,i feel like someone read my heart and wrote it here.The only difference is in my case its a girl and she cheated on me,she try to justify but it seems she is very hypocrat and selfish…….. and my favourite line is ..i am wounded try to heal my self but that scenes( when i imagine her with that person shocked me and my heart trembles).Any suggestion how can i delete that memmory from my mind i am always distracted and my mind always thinks about them,

    But still my condition is much better than earlier and it helps me healing and growing…I am so thankful to you many blessing and love on your way. and no 2 is my favourite

    2.Never try to change somebody’s mind! If they don’t want you, don’t stay with them 1 minute longer. Don’t chase anyone ever! Trying to change somebody’s mind turns you into a beggar and a person with no self respect. No one can control or change anyone! We can only control and change ourselves (hopefully!). The sooner you accept facts the better.

    • Hi Lovebird. I hate to use a cliche, but time does help to heal the wounds.
      Unfortunately, I believe once you really love someone that love is forever, as at almost 2 years since the breakup and I cannot say I have stopped loving him.
      But the thing is I have to love myself first.
      Some people can be in your heart but not in your life!! So that is how I choose to deal with, I recognize that I cannot take him from my heart, so I have accepted and made peace with that.
      I have been cheated on too, and different from you, my Ex has never faced up to that fact. I think that being lied to is even worst.
      I am a very positive person and that has helped me a lot. First, I have complete faith that all that happens to me is to my benefit. Second, I believe in only thinking good thoughts, so whenever my Ex comes to mind I say a silent prayer wishing him well.
      What has helped me is to keep busy and put a time limit on my sadness. I will even set a timer, cry and feel sorry for myself but when the time is up, I get on my way to my busy life or just dancing in my apartment.
      Be good to yourself and know that this too shall pass and you will be stronger for it.
      She did you a favor! I wrote something about soul mates in my Facebook on May 25, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Blessed-with-a-Star-on-the-Forehead/238022499637449.
      I thought that was so insightful and it helped me to reevaluate the whole relationship with Ex.
      My best to you! You are not alone! Many blessings!:)

  25. TomBoy says:

    “Slow down, breathe and don’t force it.” Love it.

  26. Bar Science says:

    Awesome post. You live and you learn. It takes courage to face the harsh facts that make us uncomfortable and learn from our mistakes.

  27. I believe you are a strong woman and you can pull through this. I’m also experiencing some problems with my girlfriend and I’m the one who couldn’t let go of her and move on. I really can’t live without her. If she really wants to leave me one day. I will not hold on to her anymore, because it is really torturing for me. I have many girlfriends around me who cares for me and it’s time to focus on our lives. To learn and experiencing new things in life. And strive hard for our career. Thank you for sharing!

  28. Emily says:

    This message was meant to be seen by me. Through my tears I give Thanks.

    • I am glad that it resonated with you. This breakup is the most painful thing I have been through but I am stronger and better because of it.
      Welcome the pain, learn from it and move. Life is beautiful and there are amazing things coming your way. You just have to believe it!
      Many blessings to you! 🙂

  29. JunkChuck says:

    Just read and enjoyed some of your lists–disappointing to see that there are a finite supply.

    • Thank you! Having 2 blogs at one point seemed like a grand idea and then I realized I couldn’t keep up with it.
      But I love the idea of lists, so I am thinking of getting back to it, or somehow merge the blogs!
      Blessings! 🙂

  30. na says:

    #7, Remove him from your heart and stop care about him.

  31. quarksire says:

    wow………. lotsa syncronicities…Yes U take care of ur self woman : heartfelt best wishes 2 U fer realz after spending some time this eve in ur werlds both of them yep… very kewl yes indeed… have a very very safe trip, lucky lady 🙂 .. :)an stop trying yep yes indeed ,,, 🙂 jest be an DO 🙂 an enjoy every minute of it whilst ya can, #7 yes is what i have to do also is very hard …. an can relate after reading lotsa ur stuff again take care & Namaste’ @ U frum Q 🙂

  32. Great list. It is so helpful.

  33. Alok Singhal says:

    Loved this write-up…some of them are practical leadership lessons which many can incorporate, without having to go through tough time like you did.
    Happy for you!

  34. btg5885 says:

    First timer here. I think the last quote in the box is so very powerful. Best wishes on applying those lessons. You will find that person who is worthy of holding your hand.

  35. Wonderful, Wonderful!!!

  36. Kavita Chavda says:

    Give myself permission to cry!
    This thing helps the most. It did to me.
    When we let things flow and not control them, we heal.

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