The past several months have been emotionally tumultuous for me. After almost 3 years living with Ex, he asked me to move out when I confronted him with my suspicions of his extracurricular activities. I was in shock! There were no conversations about trying to work things out. There was nothing! He didn’t want to talk about it and kept saying that he needed to be alone to concentrate on his businesses.
I was devastated and wondering what had just happened! For months I searched for answers, for reasons. I never got one. As the months passes life is getting better. My heart still has moments of hurt. My mind still has moments of questions. My soul still has moments of emptiness. But all of those moments are few and far between, and I am sure they will soon be inexistent. For the most part, I am thriving! I have been working on myself, doing things I love, spending time with friends and making new ones.
I don’t regret anything about the relationship with Ex. I am even proud of my pain and my tears. They help me validate the love that I had. They show the strength of the feelings I had. I was in that relationship 100% and loved with all my heart. I experienced love and for that I am forever grateful!
I realize that I have been blessed with this pain, this hardship. Challenges build character. At times likes these I get to show what I am really made of. I get to grow! I get to shine!
I have learned a lot, about myself and life. I am still learning! I want to make sure that the lessons that I now learn stay with me. I often say to my friends that Life is a very patient teacher. She will teach the same lesson as many times as necessary. I don’t like to repeat lessons!
I think that one of the best ways for me to keep reminding myself of those lessons is to write it down and refer to it often. So here are the top 10 most important lessons I have learned as a resulted of this breakup. Thank you Ex!
I have learned to:
- Pay attention to red flags! While I think that there were no red flags in my relationship with Ex, looking back I see that there were yellow warning signs that I should have stopped and looked closely into it.
- Never try to change somebody’s mind! If they don’t want you, don’t stay with them 1 minute longer. Don’t chase anyone ever! Trying to change somebody’s mind turns you into a beggar and a person with no self respect. No one can control or change anyone! We can only control and change ourselves (hopefully!). The sooner you accept facts the better.
- Give myself permission to cry! It is okay to feel miserable and cry. It is part of the grieving process and that process cannot be avoided. If I skip any of the stages I will have to go back to it eventually. There is no timeline/deadline for the tears to stop flowing. To me the key was to allow myself to cry, but not to allow myself to stay in that place for too long. I allow myself to cry for 5/10 minutes and then I tell myself to snap out of it. I will actually set a timer to make sure that I do not go over my allotted time.
- Never allow myself to feel like a victim. Wallowing in self pity is not the way to go. Don’t confuse sad and crying with pitiful victim. I am strong and capable. Ok, so things didn’t go my way, but remember that things happen for a reason, and always for the better! If something gets taken from you or if someone decides to leave or move away from you, just let it go! They have their reasons.
- See the situation as an opportunity, not a tragedy. An opportunity for growth and self assessment. I was given a gift. Letting me go was the best thing he did. I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me if they didn’t love me anymore. I am free now to find someone that will love me the way that I need and deserve to be loved. Until then I am free to work on myself 100% of my time.
- Always choose forgiveness, not hatred. Hate is never helpful. Forgiveness is the key to a full recovery. When you forgive you are freeing yourself! That doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with the person. It pains me that I can’t be friends with Ex, but until he acknowledge his wrongdoing there is no way I can respect him and be friends with him. That fact hurts! At every chance choose gratitude and blessings.
- I can’t choose who stays in my heart, but I can choose who stays in my life. I cannot just turn a button and stop loving someone, but I can choose not to have him in my life. At this point, as I said on Number 6, I cannot be friends with Ex. I need to respect myself first and not accept the way he treated me. Being friends is saying to him that all he did was ok. It was not and it will never be. He is in my heart not as a love interest now, but as somebody I once loved. I will always care for him.
- Stop looking for answers. Sometimes you will never have the answer you seek. Sometimes there is not a reason. Stop looking for an answer to have closure. Don’t judge or question somebody’s motive, or lack of motive. Only they know the reason why they behaved in the way they did. Having an answer does not change the facts!
- Not to be afraid to try again. No one has won anything worth winning without failing at least a few times. So I will continue trying to find my soul mate! I can’t let fear hold me back. Even thought I should not rush into another relationship, I can’t be afraid of trying again. So I will love again with all my heart! I do have somebody else in my heart right now and that brightens my life! He is a great friend, a kindred spirit! If we never become anything more than friends I am still grateful and feel incredibly blessed to call him my friend!
- Be careful of wanting something so bad. Sometimes we want something so bad that we take reality and bend it and shape it and try to turn it into a fairy tale. Sometimes we want something so bad that we rush into things and don’t let nature take its course. Slow down, breath, let things flow, don’t push it, and don’t force it!
I am hoping that these lessons will stay with me. But if for some reason I find myself having to be reminded of them again I will not beat myself up. I will just try harder next time.
Dedicated to the person that kept me up last night. Instead of sleep I got clarity, certainty and a universe of possibilities!
- I am stopping the voices in my head that only criticize and expect perfection. Once I make a decision I stop the second guessing and self doubting. I no longer analyse every past mistake and blame myself. I accept it, learn from it and move on. I am learning to leave the past in the past and stop looking back!
- I am giving myself more credit for all the things I do big and small. I am my own fearless cheerleader. I am not comparing my life to other’s. I am doing the best that I can with the tools I have. Everything that I need and want to do is done with passion and heart.
- I am getting rid of unhealthy things in my life: people, food, situations, environment and welcoming all that is good. I am getting away from my comfort zone and welcoming new people and experiences, only then I can decide for myself what it fits my life, what I enjoy, what belongs and what has to go.
- I decided to stop trying to impress others and I am only trying to impress myself. I will no longer decide what to wear or how to be to impress a guy. The right guy will love me as I am, if he doesn’t he is not the right guy. I will not longer try to please everyone and want to be loved by everyone. Some people will just not like me and that is their right!
- I now know I deserve more, therefore I am not settling for less. I am not settling for almosts, maybes or in the future either. I want it now and I want it for sure! If I give and value truth, honesty and loyalty, why was I putting up with lies, dishonesty and betrayal? If you treat me right I will stick around, otherwise have a nice life!
- I am looking in the mirror more often and appreciating what I see. I see light in my eyes, I see strength in my legs, I see honesty in my face, I see kindness in my arms, I see action in my fingers, I see resilience in my feet, I see purity in my skin, I see love in my heart. I am in love with what I see and all its potential. And with that I am learning to listen to my body, to hear its cries for help and attention. I am realizing that I was given a temple of pleasure and goodness and it is my job to use it to the best of my abilities, to treasure, to respect it and to use it, but not abuse it.
- I am allowing myself to enjoy life and get a little crazy if I want to. I don’t know how much more time I have here, so I will make the most of every single moment. I will do more, help more, cry more, laugh more, tease more. I will live and not just let life pass me by (like a quote from my favorite movie Shawshank Redemption:“It comes down to a simple choice; get busy living or get busy dying”)
- I started seeing God in me and in others, and with that I am being more accepting and less judgmental. I made peace with the fact that I don’t have to understand other’s actions, I have to respect it and if it offends me I can choose to move away from it.
- I am listening to my intuition and my gut and following my heart. I realize that that is how God speaks to me and my answer is to follow. The path will not always be easy, short and fun, but the rewards will be priceless. I will analyze the pros and cons, but if my heart is telling me to do it, I will forget all that and jump in head first.
- Each day I become more and more in love with my own company and with that I am attracting the right company. I take myself out, I present myself with spur of the moment flowers and massages. I am kind to myself. I rest if I want, I play if I want. I am my own best friend ready with honesty, a kind word or just silent support.
We are not ready yet, and there is no rush, so
- By the time we meet we will have dealt with all our ghosts from the past, so the future will be a clear path
- By the time we meet we will have learned to be happy alone and therefore ready to be happy with each other
- By the time we meet we will be ready to give each other 100% without thinking that we are shortchanging ourselves
- By the time we meet we will have zero expectations, so life will be a big happy daily surprise
- By the time we meet there will be no insecurities, doubts or jealousies, only truth and honesty
- By the time we meet you will see that I am a cleverly wrapped gift from above
- By the time we meet I will recognize your face from a distance among so many others
- By the time we meet your laugh will be a sound that makes my heart sing
- By the time we meet your touch will make my body quiver and my lips moan
- By the time we meet the possibilities will be endless and we will try them all
So don’t fret, don’t worry, there is no deadline, there is no guideline!
We will meet that is for certain and by the time we do …
Even though I always say that given a choice I rather be a baby sitter than a nurse, here are my ten reasons not to date a younger guy
1) You will be forever the older woman
2) He thinks he is God’s gift to older women
3) He thinks he doesn’t have to try hard because he is young
4) People think you are with him for sex
5) People think he is with you for money
6) You are probably at different life stages
7) His silliness and immaturity will eventually get to you
8) His family will resent you for not giving him babies
9) He expects you to pay for dinner
10) He acts like he is doing you a favor
- My Heart – I want to have my heart always open. No matter how many times it gets broken, bruised or turned into a pulp. Loving is still one of the best things in life.
- My Mind – I want to always have an open mind to differences and new opportunities. Don’t dismiss or judge people or situations just because they are different. I want to step in their shoes and realize that we are probably more similar then different. I want to give each and every new opportunity a chance.
- My Soul – I want to have my soul open so I can listen to it and it can listen to the world. I want to be one with the universe of my soul. I want to be in touch with my soul. I want to feed my soul with acts of kindness towards others, with reading enlightening materials, with paying attention to the beauty in the smallest details.
- My Arms – I want to have my arms always open to offer and receive a hug. Human touch is one of the best commodities in the world – Much needed, always available, but not used often enough. Sometimes all someone/I need is a hug.
- My Front Door – I want to have my front door open not only to all my current friends, but also to news ones I hope to make. I want to be less closed off and less of a loner. I love being alone, but I want to start appreciating other’s company more. And I hope to go through people’s front door more often.
- The Car Door – I want go out more, experience more. Get in the car and drive a different route, notice a different beauty. Live!
- Books – I want to read more and more. I want to stop buying books and letting them sit around decorating the bookshelf. I want to read, grow and share.
- My Memory – I want to always have my memory open to all the blessings I was given in this life. I don’t want to forget all the goodness that is given to me every single day. My memory is a constant reminder of how I have been blessed and how my life keeps getting better and better.
- My mouth – I want to open my mouth any time I see injustice, any time I can step in and help someone. Please God don’t let me be silent when I can speak up and do good! I want to have my mouth open any time I can sooth someone with kind words. (ok, ok, my mouth would like to be open to receive and give an nice romantic kiss!!)
- My Schedule – I want to have openings in my schedule to fit new adventures, to have time to stop and smell the flowers, to volunteer, to help friends, to love, and to sometimes do nothing and just stare out of the open window.
What are planning to open or to make sure it never closes?
So I came home early from work intent on doing 30 minutes on the elliptical, instead here are the 10 things I did.
- Had a snack of pita chips and coconut water.
- Installed and uninstalled applications on my new phone.
- Had to check on my blog.
- Organized some of my cds.Big project so have to do much more.
- Looked through the car manual for instructions on how to work the AC. I couldn’t find any info on it.
- Finished reading an article in a magazine so I could throw the magazine out.
- Started cleaning my make-up drawer. Never finished because my friend W. showed up.
- My friend W. gave me a make-up lesson.
- As a thank you and a “I look too good to stay home”, I took my friend out to dinner – Indian food
- Came home and decided I now feel too full to exercise. Mom always said not to exercise on a full stomach, actually she says swim, but I am sure it applies to exercise too.
I really need to work on my exercise avoidance issues. There is always tomorrow!
I have some of those written in places I see everyday and they have been extremely helpful to me.
- Just Breathe! Sometimes all it takes for me to get back to myself in a bad moment is just take a few seconds and concentrate on my breathing.
- Let Go and Let God! It is important to realize that there is somebody else I can count on when things becomes too much for me to handle.
- Be here now! I have to remind myself to be in the moment, stop thinking about the past or worrying about the future.
- Do not react! I am impulsive and normally end up reacting before considering the situation first.
- Not helpful! When I persist on a thought or action that is not helpful or positive I tell myself that.
- This too shall pass! Nothing lasts forever, good or bad. So if it is good, enjoy to the fullest. If it is bad just give it time.
- What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger! The bigger the crises/the problem the more potential for growth and learning.
- I am loved! I am worth of love! There are a lot people that love me and wishes me all. I just need to be open to love and be loved.
- There is always a reason for everything! Even if the reason is not clear at the moment, just believe!
- Trust your instincts! If something doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it, confront it.
- Thank you for rejecting me! If someone rejects me, he is doing me a favor and leaving the way open for the right, more deserving person to find me.
This is you and not an act. It is natural and not forced.
- Massage my feet, and leg, and
- Draw me a bath and wash my hair
- Get me flowers (buy or pick them)
- Kiss my neck and don’t stop there
- Pour me a drink – perhaps two
- Open the car door, the front door, all doors
- Search for my favorite ice cream, cake, anything
- Whisper “I love you” in my ear as we snuggle in bed
- Buy me lingerie that you will be dying to remove
- Say I am beautiful and mean it
And in doing all of those things you feel honored and blessed to have me!
My smile is your reward! ok, ok, perhaps you will get a little more! wink, wink
10 things that tried to mess up my day:
- I didn’t feel like getting up. My body just didn’t want to move. I wish I could stay horizontal the whole day. I am laying there just watching the clock.
- Finally I get up and start getting ready. I step on the scale in the bathroom and I gained 2 pounds. 2 pounds!! I don’t know if I should start crying or not. All I think about is the bread and butter I want for breakfast.
- Had to run (under the rain)to the train station because overstaying in bed made me late. As I am crossing the street I slip and almost fall. I jerked my back and now it is sore.
- Train never arrives, had to wait for a later train that is already crowded because they are combining two trains in one.
- The lady that sits next to me at the next station has her i-pod at full volume. Can’t these people realize how annoying that is to everyone else? I can’t help but think that they must be doing damage to their eardrums. If at least was some nice music, but this awful techno-electronic one beat never ending song.
- Finally got to Grand Central. As I walk outside and open my umbrella, it flips inside out. I corrected it, but now it has 2 ribs (I think that is the name) broken.
- I hate people that use those huge golf umbrellas and walk around knocking everyone and everything in their path. Of course I was the victim of one of those this morning.
- As I walk into my office I am greeted by a mouse stuck to the glue trap under the radiator. Yes NY City is infested with rodents, and my building, that up to a month ago was rodent-free, now is crawling with those critters thanks to a landlord that cannot fix a broken freight elevator and the garbage is not removed every night.
- I fill my up my cup with coffee. Yes, at least hot fresh coffee!! As I take the first sip, I realize in disgust that is Hazelnut flavored – yuck!
- I then get an e-mail from this guy at e-harmony, which I though it could potentially turn into something. I have not met anyone from there yet, so I was hopeful that a first date would be materializing in the near future. Anyway, this guy tells me that he decided to focus on this one girl he met. Ouch! He didn’t even meet me yet and he is already dumping me!
Anyway, it is now 10 am and I am hopeful that the rest of the day will turn out amazing. I dressed up this morning on the off chance that someone invites me for something. One can always hope!!!
Life is better when you have things to look forward to, so here are 10 things I am looking forward to (in chronological order) :
- My lunch of pork, rice, beans and yucca fries from Tina’s! I haven’t had that in a long time.
- Getting my nails done using long-lasting Shellac! I will report if it is really long lasting or not.
- My breakfast of bread with butter everyday! It used to be only on weekends, but heartbroken me thinks that I deserve it everyday for awhile longer.
- To receiving all the books that I have ordered from Amazon! It should arrive today and I should be reading by tonight.
- Getting a makeup lesson with my friend that works at Sephora! It was going to be tonight but she had to cancel, so it will be another evening this week. I never use makeup other than just lipstick, but now I think it will make me look more polished.
- To tennis on Thursday night! I am hoping my partner doesn’t cancel. Hard for me to have to rely on other people. And while I am speaking of tennis, looking forward to tennis lessons that start next Monday!
- My Pilates session on Sundays, and even more to the little massage and stretching she does afterwards! I have only done 2 sessions but was hooked after the first one.
- To start my mosaic project! The materials have been bought, so now I just have to do it.
- Getting my hands on the Us Open tennis tickets that I bought. Once in my hands I can pick the ones I am using and resell the rest.
- To doing something fun this weekend, which I am not sure what it is but I plan on treating myself. I am taking myself on a date!!!!!!
What are you looking forward to??